It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem - it’s me.
How we can stop blaming each another and stop abuse instead.
On Thursday, April 10th, 2025, I, along with Hagar’s Voice, supported a survivor of clergy sexual abuse as she publicly released a victim statement online. My purpose in doing so is to stand with a survivor who has tried every available avenue to tell her story–in order to protect other victims and prevent future harm–and continues to be sidelined and silenced.
There are a few things that need to be said about a victim statement.
A victim statement is not an article, nor is it a judgement.
This victim statement is the lived experience of a survivor of sexual abuse.
These statements aren’t meant to be shared broadly, openly or online–but the perpetual rejection, systemic silencing, and marginalization of victims and their experiences make this a necessary and final recourse for the truth to be told.
Ideally, such statements are best intended to help individuals and institutions understand the extent of the abuse. To answer questions such as, ‘how did this happen?’ and ‘what could we have done differently?’ and ‘how did we miss it?’ They are essential to truly understand the extent and impact of abuse and offer keys to unlocking patterns, exposing systems, and helping educate all of us who might fall victim to predators if we don’t know what to look for.
In a court of law a victim impact statement provides a platform for victims to express how the crime has affected their lives and what the injustice has cost them. The thing about Clergy Sexual Abuse–especially for adult women–is that most often, there is no court of law in which to pursue justice. In Georgia, where the abuse happened, there is no law to protect the victim or to stop her abuser.
A victim statement can be most helpful to the organization in which the abuse took place. One year ago, in April 2024, multiple cases of sexual abuse by Reggie Joiner were reported to the board of ReThink (then parent company of Orange). Yet, as this victim shares, Orange (reThink) seems unreceptive to this victim’s testimony. Even after initiating an investigation, people within Orange and outside of it have still not heard the extent of Reggie Joiner’s abuse.
Silence.
Abuse is perpetuated through silence. Anyone who has been affected by sexual abuse knows that its power grows in the dark. Most victims of sexual abuse suffer from the abuse itself and then suffer from the secondary violence of being silenced, disbelieved, second-guessed, dismissed, and even vilified. One of the most damaging parts of clergy sexual abuse is the way abuse victims are manipulated, groomed, and gaslit to question their own perspective. Abusers typically use power, doubt, fear, isolation, persuasion, and silence to manipulate victims such that they sometimes even deny, cover, obscure, and even lie to protect the perpetrators. This is one of the complicated realities of trying to spot and stop abuse. Much of the church still seems woefully ignorant of these dynamics, despite the myriad of abuse cases in religious institutions in recent years.
The survivor who shared this statement was abused by her pastor, Reggie Joiner, and the abuse started while she was at North Point Community Church 19 years ago.
Andy Stanley and another staff member at North Point reached out to me after the victim released her statement. They think some clarification could be helpful, and I agree.
Stanley is known as a leader who can be trusted. I’ve known him this way. His tight systems and no-nonsense policies have made him someone other leaders look to and learn from. He is the founding pastor at North Point Community Church, a church that is genuinely trying to be good news in the world and a community many other churches around the world are looking to as an example of good content, good practices, and good leadership.
I’ve been a guest at North Point a few times and witnessed warm, vibrant, and good people who worship and lead there. They are a good church with good people and good leaders who do good work. And, this is also a community in which Reggie Joiner, one of the founding group of pastors, abused a young woman 19 years ago.
This is important to understand. We have this idea that good churches and good leaders are never anywhere near abuse or abusive cycles. This perpetuates the idea that ‘good churches’ and ‘good leaders’ don’t have to deal with the realities of abuse and learn from victims of abuse how, even with good systems, abuse happens. It also suggests that it’s only in ‘bad churches’ and with ‘bad leaders’ that abuse shows up. This perpetuates a terrible misconception that keeps us blind to the reality of abuse.
I’d venture a guess that every church is a community in which abusers can operate; that every church leader can grow in their understanding; and that every church member can lament the reality of abuse in our midst and recommit ourselves to do better.
We simply must.
Now, to the clarifications.
Stanley and two members of his team (who were involved in the incident shared in the statement), indicate they did not know that Reggie Joiner was a predator, the victim was not alone in Stanley’s office, there was no cover up, and because Joiner lied and coached the victim to lie, they maintain they had no reason to suspect predatory behaviour. Stanley says Joiner didn’t leave North Point over that incident and that he had zero suspicions of his sexual abuse.
After the announcement from Orange last year that confirmed Joiner had multiple ‘inappropriate relationships’, Stanley says he was blindsided, and did not connect the dots from the incident 19 years ago. He has no memory of any earlier sexual harassment claim against Reggie, and when I asked about the culture that used terms like ‘one of Reggie’s girls’ he said he had never heard of it. I asked him what he would do differently if he could go back 19 years ago and he said he couldn’t think of anything, he did the best he could.
I’ve always thought the fact that a person on his team flagged Joiner’s phone records and brought it to Stanley’s attention was evidence of good leadership practice. It’s much better than many other places where red-flag behaviours are unchecked and ignored.
But even North Point’s governance and Stanley’s best efforts weren’t enough to stop Joiner’s abuse. Even without wilful intent, the failure to identify Joiner’s questionable behaviour as worthy of further investigation allowed the abuse to continue in this victim’s life and tragically led to many more victims.
So, what do we do?
Should we blame leaders like Andy Stanley who seem to be in impossible situations? Anyone who has ever been a pastor can attest to the reality of not being able to get everything right, every time. He did what he thought was right. Right? He followed up on flagged behaviour. What else could he have done? Even better is the question, “what can any leader do when incidents arise that could provide signs that abuse is happening in our midst?”
Abuse awareness will help leaders know that it’s imperative to treat strange behaviours with more rigorous inquiry. For example: insisting on seeing the content of questionable texts, interviewing other employees and ministry team members who may have more information, starting a further investigation for the parts of the story that ‘just don’t make sense,’ along with further inquiry around the ‘culture’ of the leader, and asking for any other flags (such as previous sexual harassment claims) could all be strategies that help.
19 years ago in ministry, it’s fair to say that people didn’t fully grasp the reality and patterns of abuse in their midst. It’s fair to say that leaders who don’t know the dynamics of abuse don’t understand that victims of abuse often can’t identify themselves as victims, and are groomed to cover for their abuser.
So, perhaps we could assume that North Point did the best they could with what they knew at the time. I want to give Andy Stanley and his team the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that they genuinely didn’t connect the dots, that the Orange announcement in 2024 took them by surprise. I want to believe that they didn’t see the signs of abuse 19 years ago at North Point. I want to believe that it was legitimate ignorance that didn’t demand a full and transparent investigation into all of Joiner’s ministry after the abuse at Orange became known last year.
And I want to believe that about every church and leader. I want to believe that all of us will choose to grow in our understanding and capacity to protect people who are part of our communities and stop perpetrators in our midst.
The biggest issue.
I want to clarify that the biggest issue here is not North Point, or Stanley, or me. The issue is not how or when the victim ultimately chose to make her story known. The issue is not that I didn’t give a heads up to a friend before releasing a statement. The real issue is Reggie Joiner’s ABUSE. And the biggest issue facing all of us - the whole church - is that we haven’t done enough to spot abuse or to stop it. And that’s not just North Point’s problem, or Stanley’s, or Orange’s - it’s mine.
It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem - it’s me.
I don’t agree with Stanley’s assessment that I owed him or North Point a heads up. It wasn’t mine to give. But I also worked with Orange and considered Reggie Joiner a friend. I sat in his office two years ago lamenting abuse in the church and asking him to be part of the solution. I celebrated him as an empowering leader who championed women. I painfully and honestly acknowledge that I didn’t see the signs. And I’m deeply sorry. I’m committed to doing everything I can to help survivors, which is why I fully support this survivor, and will continue to learn and grow and do better to help stop abuse. We can’t afford another generation to bear the costs. All of us need to take responsibility for abuse in the church, every church leader and non-profit board and each member of the community.
We must do more to stop abuse. And we must do it together.
Assigning blame is not the point of this statement and it’s not going to help.
The invitation before us is not to ensure plausible deniability of harm. It’s not to judge Stanley or to disparage North Point or to blame me. The invitation before us is to listen to the witness of a survivor of abuse. The invitation is to humbly admit the fact that all of us are responsible for allowing abuse to continue in the church. And all of us will need to work together to stop it.
When leaders focus on defending their actions, or explaining their intent, they inflict further harm on survivors who simply need for us to hear their account, believe them, and explore our current potential to heal the harm that has been done, and do better.
While the question of ‘what could they have done?’ is of some value, the far better question for all of us to consider is, ‘what can we do now?’
This might be where the calling to lead leaders and help other churches with healthy systems and behaviours is what Stanley and North Point can model best right now. I know they’ve already met with the victim to listen and apologize. That’s a remarkable start. But what else can be done?
They can lament and grieve that this ever happened in their community and resist the impulse to defend themselves and blame others.
So can we.
They can both affirm and applaud the victim for having the courage to tell her story and help us all learn.
So can we.
They can re-commit themselves to be alert, aware, and equipped to spot the signs of abuse and deal with them more rigorously.
So can we.
They can model and demand transparency in the full accounting of Reggie Joiner’s abusive history.
So can we.
They can ask, “what can we do to make this right and to ensure it doesn’t happen again?”
So can we.
They can share their experience and their abuse-prevention strategies as essential tools for others to follow.
So can we.
The victim who shared this statement publicly hoped her statement would do three things:
stop Reggie Joiner from harming others
free survivors from guilt and provide a framework for what happened to them
educate others so they would be less likely to fall victim to a predator
I think it’s already done that and more.
We’ve already heard from multiple victims that this is the case.
I believe the desire of other churches to be communities that spot and stop the cycle of abuse in their midst has been sharpened and emphasized.
I believe the strategies of perpetrators who lie, cover, and manipulate others to escape notice have been exposed and will help others spot these signs earlier.
I believe the heart breaking experience of this victim is real, gut wrenching, and courageous, and she should be celebrated and supported.
I believe we are all invited to follow her lead and choose open and honest truth-telling that leads to loving, mutual healing.
If we could get over our defensiveness and fear, we might actually be able to truly listen to the experience of someone who can teach us so much and become the church we are meant to be. A place where Light leads us all.